INT. KITCHEN/DINING ROOM - DAY
Don Don, the head of the family, stands at the worktop carving something unseen. He sings ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ whilst carving graciously. A re-creation of THAT scene from Reservoir Dogs. We pan down to see he is in fact carving a blackened turkey.
After all, why would he want to ruin his favourite shirt?
His nephew, Mr Pink/Gay Gary, appears at his side and glances down at the turkey. He sounds camp as he talks.
MR PINK
What’s that?
Don Don speaks with a rough Italian accent.
DON DON
What do ya think it is? A fooking turkey, you imbecile.
MR PINK
Looks a bit burnt...sista.
An exchange of fierce looks from Don Don.
MR PINK (CONT’D)
Too much?
DON DON
I sometimes worry about you, Gary.
MR PINK
(sighs)
Why do I always gotta be called Gary? I wanna be Mr Pink!
DON DON
If you want that name, you gotta earn it! How many times have you intentionally broken the law this year?
MR PINK
Twelve.
DON DON
And how many times did you apoloigise after?
MR PINK
Ten. No, wait. Eleven. Twelve, maybe?(a beat) Alright, I know I’m not very good at this breakin’ the law thing, but I’m working on it.
DON DON
Take a look at your brother Tony.
Don Don points to a photograph of Tony, which hangs on the wall.
DON DON (CONT’D)
He butchered some old lady with a meat cleaver just cos she looked at him funny.
MR PINK
(mutters)
Yeah. And look where that got him.
DON DON
I’m telling yous. If you could win awards for being bad, he’d win ‘em all. Hands down.
(a beat) So you’re serious about this whole crook thing?
MR PINK
Yeah. I mean, I’d rather work somewhere like Tescos or H & M, but they’re not recruiting at the moment.
DON DON
I give up.
INT. CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS - DAY
Traffic Warden is tied to a spin chair. He is gagged with a plastic bag over his head.
His screams for help come across as mear muffled sounds. The door opens and Don Don reaches in. He drags him out, screaming.
INT. KITCHEN/DINING ROOM - DAY
Don Don removes the bag from Traffic Warden’s head. Traffic Warden looks around - terrified.
MR PINK
Who’s that guy?
DON DON
Don’t know. All I know is the bastard gave me a bloody parking ticket. I found him walking his dog the other night.
MR PINK
What did you do with the dog?
DON DON
(faces Mr Pink)
What do you think we had for dinner last night?
Don Don removes Traffic Warden’s gag.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
(outraged)
Why are you doing this to me? I’m new, okay? I just started my job last week.
Don Don slaps Traffic Warden across the face, who falls dangerously silent.
TRAFFIC WARDEN (CONT’D)
I want my Mummy.
Don Don is unaware of Mr Pink tweeting on his mobile phone.
DON DON
Pay close attention, Gary. What I’m about to do, can only be done once.
MR PINK
Yep! I’m listening!
DON DON
You’re not supposed to be listening. You’re supposed to be watching!
Don Don turns to Mr Pink and sees him on his phone. He snatches it away from him aggresively.
MR PINK
Hey! I never finished writing my tweet.
Don Don looks at the phone and reads the tweet aloud.
DON DON
‘Don Don’s well and truly lost it this time. Keeping prisoners. Major LOL’.(faces Mr Pink)LOL?
MR PINK
It means laugh out loud.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
Or lots of love.
Don Don pockets the phone, sighing. He turns back to Traffic Warden.
DON DON
I’m about to teach you the age old trick of torturing. Razor blades and lemon juice. Except I binned my last razor this morning.
MR PINK
And we don’t have any lemons.
TRAFFIC WARDEN
How about paper cuts and vinegar?
DON DON
The recycling truck came this morning. Last time before Christmas.
MR PINK
And I’m allergic to vinegar.(a beat)Wait a minute. You’re Chief Harry’s son, ain’t ya? Greg?
TRAFFIC WARDEN
That’s right. Yeah.
DON DON
Chief Harry?
MR PINK
You know, of the police. He’s the one who arrested Tony. He was on the news last night before the repeat of The Only Way Is Essex. He was appealing for...oh.
DON DON
(sighs)What now?
MR PINK
(faces Don Don)
We’re fucked.
FADE OUT.
END.
4
